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Do you have a polygamist or a monogamist
personality?
Are you practicing a
polygamist or a monogamist lifestyle?
Are you experiencing conflicts
between your personality and lifestyle?
How are you dealing with such
conflicts?
These are
some of the questions I ask those men and women who struggle with
extra-marital affairs and the issue of unfaithfulness in their romantic
lives.
Over the
years, I have met many men and women, more men than women, in my
clinical practice, which had a hard time accepting their polygamist
personality. They had been fighting a war within themselves all their
adult lives. They had been trying to convince themselves that they were
monogamous and blaming all their troubles and problems on their
environment and circumstances. Most of them were married. Their
monogamous spouses expected them to be monogamous too. These polygamists
made promises to their spouses to be monogamous but could not keep their
promises. Alongside many broken promises there were many broken hearts.
When I worked with these people in therapy, I shared with them that
accepting their polygamist nature was the first step in healing and
recovery.
The
struggles of polygamists in denial are in some ways similar to the
struggles of homosexuals in denial. Both groups have difficulties
accepting that they are different than the people around them. Many of
them grew up in traditional, conservative and religious families and
communities, who judged them harshly because they were different.
Growing up in such families and communities these polygamists also
learned to judge themselves harshly. Because of their sense of shame and
guilt, they were determined to others and themselves something that they
are not. Many polygamists pretend to be monogamists and many homosexuals
pretend to be heterosexuals rejecting their non-traditional
personalities and un-conventional lifestyles. Because of this denial of
their nature they are at war with themselves, their spouses, their
families and their communities. Such a war creates emotional pain,
family conflicts and social suffering.
In my
clinical practice I have worked with many such men and women and helped
them accept their polygamist personalities and then create a lifestyle
that was more peaceful and meaningful for them, a lifestyle that was
open and honest. It was a long tortuous uphill struggle but in the end
it was all worth it for them and their dear ones. One of the polygamists
I have been working with in therapy is Jason (I changed the name to
respect his privacy). When I asked him to share some of the glimpses of
his polygamist personality and its effects on his dear ones, he sent me
the following letter.
Dr. Sohail:
I have been thinking
about what I might write about regarding your request to document the
implications of my polygamous personality and the consequences there of
in my life. I really cannot decide what I should say and so therefore
I’ll just let it flow as it may be scrambled re: time, and jump from one
relationship scenario to another.
As you know it’s only
been quite recently that I have accepted the fact that I am very much a
polygamist by nature. Thank you for pointing it out to me in therapy,
and for creating a very safe atmosphere for me to permit myself to
explore this aspect of myself. Now I have to decide what route to go,
especially when there is and probably always have been a deep desire to
embrace a monogamous relationship. It’s apparent to me that I have
significant concerns about committing to one woman, as I am always
concerned about losing my freedom and options.
I’d like to start very
early in my life when I first started steady dating. I always had, as I
still do, a wandering eye for any “signal” from whatever females may
have responded to my attempts to solicit their attention. When I went to
university, a wide array of possibilities abounded and even though I had
become engaged with my steady girlfriend because she was pregnant, I
continued to search out “easy prey” and had very short sexual affairs
with many different girls on campus including those that were “just”
friends. I had no boundaries and would couple with whoever could be
seduced or was interested in having sex. It was as if I was and I guess
in fact I was a sexual “predator” and in my own mind’s world, I continue
to constantly peruse for potential liaisons. The guilt of being
unfaithful to my pregnant fiance created an anxiety which fueled the
fires of desire with frantic energy that kept crossing the boundaries of
those I engaged for acts or times that they were reluctant about.
As far as my marriage was
concerned, it was early in the relationship that I was attracted to my
wife’s friends and relatives. I was also involving myself with clients,
under the very nose of my wife to be, as she worked with me in my
office. During the first year of marriage, my wife travelled to England
for two weeks, during which I had a liaison with a client in our
matrimonial bedroom. I had to remove the portraits from the wall just
prior to her arrival because I couldn’t face the prospect of being
positioned in such a way as to be able to have them in my field of
vision. Of course the added excitement of such a sneaky episode only
heightened the experience, as I was risk taking the loss of my marriage,
I took many a risk during my marriage, and eventually was discovered
attempting to engage my wife’s cousin as she stayed the night in the
downstairs family room. Of course this caused considerable dissent as I
adamantly denied there were any intentions other than “attending” a
troubled cousin.
That was the beginning of
a severe loss of trust and closeness in the marriage relationship that I
was never able to repair. Because of this rift our communication lost
it’s friendliness, became protective and guarded. The lack of
communication was frustrating for me and I used this frustration to
justify finding “love” outside of the relationship with the convincing
argument that “this is just the way I am and I needn’t and wasn’t about
to do anything about it”.
As the rift began to
widen between the two of us, my wife began to drink pathologically after
the death of her mother, who was her “best” confidante. I felt that I
was to blame and the shame I felt drove me to even more risky and
destructive sexual behaviours. The result was self-degradation and
depression, as I felt so helpless. I began to despair which built my
anxiety to greater and more frantic heights. I eventually started an
affair with a friend of a friend of my wife, who subsequently together
with her husband became our friends. The deception was as thrilling as
it was frightening and after this affair had continued sporadically over
three years and was demanding my commitment that I broke down and
decided to come clean as a possible way to bring the unbearable guilt to
an end and get me out of the pinch I was in. Never did I consider the
consequences to my wife and expected her to rationally deal with the
disclosure, forgive me, forget it and pretend nothing had ever happened.
I had become so self-absorbed and irrational that I adopted denial as
method of lying to myself. I also had and continued to use alcohol in
excessive amounts, coupled with marijuana to numb the guilt, shame and
anxiety.
Eventually as the
relationship deteriorated, and I was asked to leave, I became very
self-righteous that it was her fault and during my separation, I began
three different relationships, one of which would force my choice to
divorce and would develop into a serious relationship. I felt so guilty
and ashamed of myself because my evangelical upbringing declared sex,
adultery, and divorce to be grave sins, punishable by death and
hellfire. My own condemnation increased my anxiety levels even further
because even then I didn’t want to admit my divorce was my fault but
rather, blame my wife that she drove me to be adulterous because she was
an inadequate mate. The ongoing divorce conflict and litigation created
such a rift that the children distanced themselves from me because their
mother, now deep in the throes of alcoholism blatantly disclosed to the
children my behaviours and my abandonment of her and them. I fought for
my rights as a father and voiced my anger to them and all who dared to
listen. All the while I became so disgusted with myself that I put my
clinic at risk by trying to force a settlement, eventually losing the
clinic as my wife signed over the property to my partners. Because of my
irrational behaviours, which generated financial security issues, my
partners expelled me from the practice.
I ended up losing my
children, my wife and her family, my assets, my dignity, my confidence.
I however felt I was saved because of the relationship that I had jumped
into, where I was consoled and taken care of. I was embraced with so
much love and understanding that I began to open up emotionally. But
again as other interests appeared on the horizon, I decided to jump ship
and get back to my sexual adventures. It was to be the greatest loss of
my life. I again fell into more destructive behaviors crossing further
client boundaries. I began scrambling to try to keep my sanity but
logical thinking was now beyond my reach. The threat of bankruptcy and
the fear of financial devastation as well as my spirit and my sanity
kept my anxiety spiraling ever upward. The culmination of all the
events, affairs, misjudgments, was a severe depression aggravated by
three months of total sleep deprivation. I could sense that I was losing
my mind, and my body started malfunctioning and I lived in panic because
I could not stem the downward spiral. I had a nervous breakdown. a
complete collapse, unable to function, to work or to take care of
myself. I was in the care of friends for a full year.
During the years of my
marriage I had conceded to seek psychological care and had some success,
but not enough to make a change of direction of self-destruction. I was
under care throughout my mental breakdown and during which period of
time, it became evident that I was bipolar, which then explained the
intense sexual impulses and my subsequent loss of control over my self
and my behaviours. I continue to remain in therapy, and progress is an
arduous process, of which, I know will take a long time and I will
probably require its’ support for my lifetime.
The losses I experienced
were completely devastating to all the important values and
relationships in my life, and it is the loss of myself to be the
greatest one of all. The guilt, the shame, the degradation, all
contribute now to the prospect that I now face a choice in how I want to
participate in the rest of my life’s relationships. The pain of self,
family and social destruction remains a constant reminder of the
consequences of an unresolved identity. Sincerely, Jason
When I read Jason’s letter I
was quite impressed. He was open and honest in his confessions and was
able to highlight his destructive behaviours, struggles and sufferings,
which in many ways are similar to many other polygamists. In this essay
I would like to discuss not only the profile of polygamists but also
some of the issues they face in psychotherapy.
1.
Wandering Eye
Jason confessed that he had
a ‘wandering eye’. He was always looking at women with lustful eyes. He
was eternally waiting for an opportunity to make sexual advances. For
him women were more sexual objects than human beings. I have talked to
many women who shared their extreme discomfort when they felt being
‘undressed’ by someone’s eyes. They felt that such men, rather than
looking at their faces, focused on their breasts or hips, which made
them extremely uneasy. Because of the non-verbal behaviour it was not
easy for such women to confront them. Many women feel violated and don’t
find it easy to address the painful issue. Men with wandering eyes
become more sexual beings than human beings.
2.
Easy Prey
Whenever Jason felt
confident that he was in contact with a weak and vulnerable woman he
approached her, seduced her and had a brief sexual liaison. Being in the
university atmosphere provided him with ample opportunities to find
‘easy preys’ as he met many single, vulnerable and available women who
were looking for meaningful intimate relationships. Jason enjoyed a
sexual feast, as he wanted to have as many sexual partners as possible.
It seems as if he had an insatiable sexual appetite.
3.
Sex with Friends
After having sex with
strangers and casual lovers Jason tried to have sex with his ‘friends’
He believed in free sex with no strings attached. No promises, no
commitments. For him the boundaries between platonic, sensual and sexual
relationships were quite blurred. For him all women were potential
sexual partners. He had lost the distinction between strangers, friends
and lovers.
4.
Becoming Predators
The obsession with sex
became so prevalent that all his relationships with women became
dominated with sex and he started seeing himself as a ‘predator’. He
became aware that he was using, misusing and abusing women. He gradually
tried to adopt the philosophy “fuck them and forget them”. Jason is the
first person I met who used the term ‘predator’ for himself since this
expression is most often used to judge and degrade others. I wondered
about Jason’s self-image and self-worth.
5.
Being Unfaithful
Jason’s life would not have
been that complex if he was a single man. Being a married man his life
became more complicated because of his polygamist personality. Jason
might not have married his girlfriend if she was not pregnant and he
could not break up with her and leave her. He had some sense of
responsibility, which led to feelings of guilt. But his guilt-ridden
marriage also demanded monogamy, which he could not offer his wife.
Marrying a woman because of guilt rather than love and commitment did
not provide a solid base for a happy and lasting marriage.
6.
Experiencing Unresolved Conflicts
Many polygamists I met
experienced a conflict between their polygamist personality and a
married lifestyle. Jason was no exception. On the one hand they are not
faithful but on the other hand they feel guilty. They make repeated
promises to their spouses that they cannot keep. Their spouses who are
seduced by their charm and charisma stay in denial for the longest time.
They have blind faith. Because they are faithful themselves they cannot
imagine in their wildest imagination that their beloved husbands would
be sleeping with other women. But these polygamists have a
self-destructive aspect to their personalities. They cut the branch they
sit on and bite the hand that feeds them. They hurt the people who love
them the most. Sooner or later they break the hearts they win.
7.
Crossing Sacred Boundaries
After having sex with
strangers, casual lovers and friends, these married polygamists cross
more boundaries, the sacred boundaries that undermine the trust, the
foundation of healthy relationships. Jason did that at two levels. He
started seducing his clients and close friends of his wife. Since his
wife worked with him his behaviour was far more serious. He was not only
gambling with trust but also respect.
8.
Disrespectful to Spouses
Finally disrespect to his
wife reached its climax when Jason slept with his client in his
matrimonial bedroom. He was crossing many sacred boundaries
simultaneously. At some level he knew what he was doing otherwise he
would not have removed his wife’s pictures from the walls. His
conscience was not clear. He had already reached a slippery slope. He
was like the driver who had lost control of the car but had not yet
fallen into a ditch or hit another vehicle. He was taking grave risks.
9.
Major Crisis
Finally Jason’s wife
discovered his unfaithfulness as he was trying to seduce his wife’s
cousin. He was testing his wife as well as her cousin’s loyalty. Even
when his wife confronted him he denied. He did not have the courage to
own his behaviour. He was like a shoplifter who had a secret unconscious
desire to be caught.
10.
Beginning of the end of marriage
After the trust, respect and
faith were ruined in his marriage, it was the beginning of the end. In
such situations gradually the communication breaks down and the injured
party starts licking the wounds not knowing whether to stay or leave.
Jason’s wife stayed for a while but became emotionally cold and distant.
She could not wholeheartedly love an unfaithful husband. She wondered
whether she was living in a fool’s paradise.
11.
Rationalizing Unfaithfulness
Although Jason was
unfaithful from the very beginning but when his wife started ignoring
him and depriving him of her attention he rationalized his deceit on her
behaviour. Most polygamists are intelligent and bright and find every
reason to justify and rationalize their unhealthy and deceitful
behaviour by pointing out the weaknesses in their spouses and if the
spouses do not have a healthy self-esteem they start to break down
emotionally.
12.
Accepting Truth but not taking
responsibility
When Jason was confronted by
his dishonest behaviour he realized that he could not hide his
unfaithfulness anymore. He had to face the truth. It was an opportunity
for him to change his behaviour and become more sensitive and empathic.
But he became belligerent and arrogant. He acknowledged he had a
polygamist personality but did not think or believe that he could change
his lifestyle. He demanded that his wife accept his irresponsible and
insensitive behaviour.
13.
Devastation, desperation and depression
of spouse
When the relationship
becomes so bad, it is a matter of time before the hurt spouse faces a
breakdown. For Jason’s wife the last straw was the death of her mother.
She was so stressed by her unhappy marriage to her unfaithful husband
that she could not take any more stress and collapsed. Her excessive
drinking was an unhealthy way to cope with her mounting stress.
14.
Confession
When Jason saw the tower of
his marriage crumbling he made one last attempt to save his marriage by
making a confession. But it was too little too late. The damage was
already irreversible. He thought by making a confession his wife would
be able to forgive and forget. But he was too naïve. The marriage was
already in the ditch. The pain and pathology was mutual. Jason also
started consuming excessive alcohol to cope with his guilt.
15.
End of marriage
Finally Jason’s marriage
ended, the marriage that had started on the shaky grounds of pregnancy
rather than love, commitment and honesty. They realized they had grown
too far in too a short time. There was no room left for reconciliation.
As would be expected, the divorce was as painful as the marriage. It
dragged on for a long time draining them emotionally as well as
financially. The marriage that was supposed to enrich people’s lives
ended in financial and emotional bankruptcy.
16.
Religious upbringing and guilt
I have met a number of male
and female polygamists who have no sense of guilt, shame or remorse.
Their conscience does not hurt them. Maybe they do not even have a
conscience. But those people who, like Jason, grow up in religious,
conservative and traditional families and communities, experience a
sense of guilt and that guilt keeps on building with time and expresses
itself in many dysfunctional and destructive behaviours. Jason was
afraid of ‘hell’ not realizing that his life, as well as the life of his
family, was becoming a living hell.
17.
Starting it all over again
Rather than learning from
his mistakes and developing some empathy for women he decided to start a
new cycle. He could not live alone so he seduced one more woman who fell
in love with him and volunteered to look after his physical, emotional
and sexual needs not realizing that she was also buying his troubles.
18. Cycle of Deceit
Jason did not realize that
the names might be different but those women were playing the same
roles. Jason was addicted to a cycle, a cycle he could not break. After
a while he started another affair and his relationship with his new
partner, who loved him dearly and was faithful, also ended.
19.
Breakdown
The breakdown of the
relationship coincided with his nervous breakdown. He could not take it
any more. He had reached his breaking point. That is when he lost
everything, his job, his love and finally himself. He was about to be
admitted to a mental hospital.
20.
Professional help
Jason finally realized that
he had hit rock bottom and needed serious help. It was a major step for
him to review his life and make some positive changes. Accepting
professional help and make lifestyle changes is a turning point for many
polygamists. It is unfortunate that many of them never accept or receive
the help they need.
PSYCHOTHERAPY WITH A POLYGAMIST
Working with Jason was a
challenge. He was quite an emotional heavy weight. I realized in the
beginning of therapy that I had to use some creative methods to help
him. After a complete assessment, I asked him to see another
psychiatrist who diagnosed his psychosis as a Bipolar Disorder and
prescribed psychotropic medications. I also met his friends who were
willing to keep him with them until he recovered so that he did not need
to be hospitalized. It took him nearly a year to recover from his
psychosis with combination therapy, a combination of medications,
individual and group therapy. He could not work during that time and was
on short-term disability.
As he got engaged in
psychotherapy and I felt a connection with him, I asked him to promise
me that he would respect his clients and would not have any sexual
contacts with them otherwise I would not be able to work with him. He
promised me and he kept his promise. That was the first milestone
towards his healing and rehabilitation. He attended special courses to
learn to develop a respectful and professional attitude towards his
clients.
As he recovered I helped him
recognize and then accept his polygamous personality. After accepting
that he chose to be honest and truthful with his female friends.
I asked him to be celibate
for a few months so that he might begin to respect women and not see
them as sexual objects. It was not easy for him but he worked hard. I
gave him credit for being celibate and not getting involved in casual
sex. I was concerned it might precipitate another nervous breakdown and
he might experience a sexual psychosis.
As he recovered I also asked
him to stop abusing alcohol and drugs. He realized that he had addictive
qualities not only about sex but also alcohol. I was impressed when he
exercised restraint and behaved responsibly.
Gradually he started to
socialize with women and date. Finally he met women he really liked and
luckily the woman also liked him. He has been dating her for six months
and for the first time in his life he has been totally open, honest,
truthful and faithful. Jason did not realize that he was involved in a
life-long struggle and needed the attitude of a marathon runner. Jason
faced another dilemma when he realized that he was bored in the
relationship. I told him that he could not differentiate between
peacefulness and boredom. He had been so used to the adrenaline rush of
sex, alcohol or drugs that when he did not have a crisis in his life he
felt as if he was missing something. I asked him to take a few weeks off
to do some soul-searching.
Jason has a long way to go
yet but he has covered a long distance. I am impressed by his progress.
I feel he has broken the cycle this time. I hope one day he can maintain
a faithful loving relationship and fulfill a life long dream of creating
a monogamous lifestyle in spite of his polygamous personality. I think
he is closest to his dream than he ever was.
When I review the work
I did with Jason and many other polygamists who had an
emotional crisis, I feel
that people who experience a nervous breakdown realize that sometimes
they have to lose themselves to find themselves and they need to learn
to respect, like, cherish and love themselves before they can respect,
like, cherish and love another person. Jason had to learn that having
sex with any woman is different than having a long term committed and
monogamous relationship with one special woman, the woman with whom he
can grow old.
After being involved in
psychotherapy Jason has accepted his polygamous personality and has also
become aware of his conflict between the intimacy of a loving
relationship and his need of freedom. He is realizing that he cannot
have a long-term loving relationship without a commitment. But for the
first time he has a possibility to actualize that dream and he is ready
to make his choice. That choice was always there, he has just become
acutely aware of it. He captured his dilemma in these words in his
letter, “ As you know it’s been quite recently that I have accepted
the fact that I am very much a polygamist by nature. Thank you for
pointing it out to me in therapy, and for creating a very safe
atmosphere for me to permit myself to explore this aspect of myself. Now
I have to decide what route to go, especially when there is as probably
always has been a deep desire to embrace a monogamous relationship. It’s
apparent to me that I have significant concerns about committing to one
woman as I am always concerned about losing my freedom and options.”
Jason is learning the secret
that committing out of obligation and coercion is different than
committing out of love. The first commitment leads to resentment while
the other leads to an opportunity to grow together.
-
Dr. K. Sohail
- Psychotherapist
- May 2005
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