WHEN A BELIEVER

A few years ago, one of my dear Atheist Humanist friends who live in America met a charming young Muslim woman. They started dating, fell in love and in a few months decided to get married. The relationship seemed wonderful, as they were both affectionate and respectful of each other’s philosophies and lifestyles.

One evening I called them with an invitation to visit me in Canada for a long weekend and I was delighted when they accepted. Upon meeting my friend’s wife, I found her to be a very pleasant and courteous woman. Within no time we felt connected. The next day I was surprised to find out that she ate only halal [kosher] meat. To respect her wishes I took them to a Pakistani Muslim restaurant in downtown Toronto for dinner. She very much enjoyed that. As she became comfortable with me, she shared that she was pregnant. When I congratulated her she said, “I hope the baby will be a girl.”

“Why do you say that? You are the first Asian woman I have met who wants her first child to be a girl.” I was amazed.

“My husband is an Atheist. He does not believe in circumcision. I am a practicing Muslim and I want my son to be circumcised.”

“I am sure you will figure those things out. Whatever you have, I hope the baby is healthy and cute,” I responded as a caring friend. I did not want to become a psychotherapist and get involved in their marital problem.

A few months later, I found out that they had had a son. One day, the wife called me with an urgent plea to convince her husband to get their son circumcised. I sent him a twenty-page article highlighting the health benefits of circumcision. In return he sent me an article discussing the human rights of children stating that circumcision was “genital mutilation”. I wanted to discuss the differences between male and female circumcision, but I realized that he had such strong and rigid views that I could not have a dialogue with him, so I stopped my discussion. His wife was quite disappointed that he did not listen even to me whom he called his very close friend. At that time I realized that their relationship was in a crisis

A few weeks after that discussion, her Muslim family came to visit the couple and their new baby. They were shocked to find out that their nephew had not been circumcised.

“That is terrible. You are well aware that a Muslim woman cannot marry an Atheist. Your nikah [religious marriage] is annulled. You are living in sin.”

“That does not matter. Allah is more important in a Muslim’s life than her husband.”

When my friend heard those comments, he asked them to leave, as they were creating problems in his marriage.

Many years have passed. My friend and his wife still live together. Now they have another son and he is not circumcised either. But there is chronic tension not only between the couple but also between him and her family. They have had to learn to live with unresolved issues.

Over the years, in my professional life as a marital therapist, I have worked with many believers who fell in love with non-believers. When I review their life histories, I feel that those couples go through the following stages in their intimate relationships.

The first stage is the honeymoon. They fall in love and enjoy long walks and candlelight dinners. At this stage they are so intoxicated by their similarities that they rarely discuss their differences.

The second stage is that of conflict. It usually starts when they want to get married. The believer wants a religious ceremony while the non-believer prefers a civil ceremony or wishes to live common law. Frequently, the non-believer gives in and participates in a religious ceremony to please the lover and the families. In many cases the non-believer rationalizes that it was only a ritual, while the believer, encouraged by his or her family and community, hopes that it will be the beginning of a gradual transformation of the non-believer. In many cases the believer feels increasingly disappointed. Conversely, the non-believer may hope that some time into the marriage, the believer would give up the religious ideology and lifestyle. Usually the conflict escalates when the first child is born. The believer pushes for the child to receive religious rites like a religious name, circumcision, baptism, or First Communion, while the non-believer wants no part of such traditions. Usually there is also pressure, from subtle to intense, from the religious family and community. In many cases the conflict reaches its climax when the children reach their teenage years as the issues of sexuality intensify differences in ideologies, personalities and lifestyles.

The third stage is that of decision-making. The relationship finally takes one of three courses:

B. Divorce. Couples that cannot resolve their conflicts and live happily together, finally decide to dissolve the relationship.

C. Unhappy and Unhealthy Marriages. These relationships are stable but unsatisfactory. The couples are no longer in love but they still live together because of children, economic conditions, social and cultural expectations or fear of loneliness. They are not much different from many other unhappy couples in their community. Their ideological differences are just one of the many reasons for their unhappy lives. They are neither able to resolve the conflicts and accept each other nor able to dissolve the relationship. One or both spouses feel the pressure of the other spouse’s ongoing efforts to convert them.

When I analyzed those three groups and studied their dynamics, I came to the following conclusions about the three groups.

A. Happy and Healthy Marriages. These lovers and spouses have Humanistic Personalities. In spite of their ideological differences they are quite flexible in their approach to life. They are respectful of each other’s philosophy.

B. Divorce. In these couples both spouses had rigid and inflexible personalities that I call a Religious Personality.* It is amazing to observe how many non-believers, in spite of their Atheistic, Agnostic and Humanistic ideologies, still have a Religious Personality. A spouse with a Religious Personality tries to convert the other spouse. The believer wants to make the non-believer a believer, and vice versa. Such a situation creates conflict, and the tension reaches a stage where the couple cannot live together and finally opt for divorce.

C. Unhappy and Unhealthy Marriages. In these marriages one spouse has a Humanistic Personality and the other has a Religious Personality. The spouse with a Religious Personality tries to convert their partner, while the letter, having a Humanistic Personality, tries to overlook their ideological differences and focuses instead on their mutual love and their similarities. In this way the relationship continues, but in many cases it is not mutually satisfactory. I have been amazed to see that in some cases the believer has a Humanistic Personality while the non-believer has a Religious Personality.

I was also fascinated by situations where couples shared the same ideology when they got married (both were believers or non-believers) but where over the years, because of academic interests and life experiences, one spouse changed their ideology. Even in those couples I observed that the health, happiness and the future of the relationship depended more on their personalities rather than philosophies. If they were flexible and were able to resolve and dissolve their conflicts, they had a happy marriage. But if one or both spouses were rigid and inflexible the relationship suffered.

Meeting believer/non-believer couples and helping them sort out their differences has been a rewarding experience for me in my clinical practice. Over the years I have also interviewed many interfaith couples and writers from different cultural and religious backgrounds for my books Mixed Marriages, Literary Encounters, and Creative Encounters. During those interviews I had observed that respecting each other’s faith, ideology and lifestyle was important for the health of the marriage and the future of the family.

I remember interviewing Baidar Bakht, a well-respected engineer and writer from India, presently living in Toronto. He, a Muslim, is married to artist Anita who is from a Hindu family. During our discussion he shared with me that he was “not a religious person”. When I asked him about his philosophy of raising children he said, “One day my daughter asked me, ‘Dad, what religion am I?’”

“I told her sincerely, ‘look, you have an opportunity to learn about three religions in your life: your father’s religion, Islam, your mother’s religion, Hinduism, and your friends’ religion Christianity. Why don’t you learn about the basics of all three religions and not make a final decision as yet. When you become old enough then you can choose your own religion. There aren’t very many people who get a chance like that.’”

I was quite impressed by that couple as they had different ideologies but each had a Humanistic Personality. Parents and educators who teach children about many religions in the context of cultural traditions rather than as belief systems always fascinate me. I always encourage lovers and spouses to develop Humanistic Personalities if they want to enjoy a happy and healthy married and family life. Such a personality helps people resolve their ideological conflicts and respect each other’s philosophy.

· In my article, “In Search of Humanistic Philosophy and Personality”, published in Humanist in Canada, Winter 2002-2003, I outlined how based on ideology, philosophy, lifestyle and personality, people can fit into one of four groups:

WHEN A BELIEVER AND A NON-BELIEVER FALL IN LOVE