I was collecting my thoughts and debating within myself as to what do I believe in. It so happened that since it is a subject that started off discussions in so many directions, because of a lack of debate in this area; I also got side tracked and emotional.

I have finally reached to the conclusion that it is not all that complicated.

I don't think I can add anything further to either the history or the reasons for women being in the position that they are now with respect to the Muslim world in general, and Asians in particular. I mostly agree with the views expressed by most members I have read so far however while there are changes taking place all around, they are of varying degrees in different parts of the world. My generation is paying the price by moving away from the typical women’s role and place in the society consequently our daughters are definitely better off.

My approach however is a little more direct and practical. (with due apologies to the philosophical and romantic)

Let us take the word ‘friendship’ first. What does it mean?

As far as I know friendship between men and women is all around us. In workplace, related to our hobbies/passions, family, friends and so on. I don't think anybody has a problem with that. Pretty acceptable. The only friendship in question therefore is when  ‘attached’ members of the opposite sex become close to one another (other than their spouse/ partner).They enjoy spending time with each other or start communicating by other means, agree and admire their thoughts and philosophy in different areas. They sometimes find themselves thinking about each other instead of their own partner/spouse (because this is what friendship is in its true sense). Don't tell me this is not a sign of trouble.

 (We are not talking about small or large group settings where we all freely express ourselves and agree and admire a friend’s opinion without any hesitation)

It is not a matter specific to Asians or non Asians. I have talked to some of my friends from here and they certainly believe that there is a definite line once you are in a relationship with the opposite sex as to how far it is acceptable (in case you are already attached). The line can be closer in our culture than theirs. Nonetheless it is closer even in the western women than we automatically assume. Please do not think that these lines are necessarily drawn by our men. Probably so in our mothers generation but not ours ----especially not here in Canada.

And when we say men and women I believe we mean ‘married men and married women’.

(I don't think we are debating unattached or single because they are not a part of this issue as it is totally acceptable these days and in this place for them to make any friends they like).

Where do I stand on this?

For heaven's sake  where do a woman  these days will find time, energy or desire to have a meaningful friendship going on with a married or attached man (or even a single for that matter)? If we can only catch up with our mutual old friends after our jobs, home, children, husband and our social calendar it would be a huge achievement in itself! Week days are out of question and on the weekend by the time you are finally able to catch up with your spouse and children as to what is going on in their lives, and finish laundry and grocery shopping and attend functions and so on and so forth, the weekend is more than over.

I will not be happy if my husband is spending his precious and valuable time with a 'woman friend' instead of me or the children. Imagine the following conversation.

“Hello Jaan! I guess you are not home yet. I was talking to, you know who, and we decided to meet after work. So I guess I will be late! And you know when we get going time is not a factor. So I guess you can eat and go to bed. I have the keys. OK?

See you. Love you. Bye”.     Will you be ok with that? I won't. Even if it is a male friend.

If husband and wife cannot interest each other or share things with each other then their marriage is way over. They then fall into the other category ' The Unattached'. And by the way, with due apologies to Dr. Hashmi (although I find examples like him all around us) when it was time to marry, you went for an 18 year old "pretty face". Why did you not at that time look for someone who could share your interest in poetry and music instead of now advertising for friendship? Sorry if I am too harsh here but why do men at the time of marriage not look for someone their age who is matured and cultured and share their 'zouq' and 'shouq'. Instead every 30 yrs or so old male is looking for someone 18 yrs or so???????? Only to find them too boring for intellectual company eventually.

Also just to let the 'male' members know, that women are not wired the same way as men are. They are made, physically and emotionally to have children and to nourish them. Most of us are interested in men to the point of finding a mate. Once we have that, we are happy making babies and a home out of a house. We do need lots of love, respect, care and recognition and we are quite content with this one man(this is true in females in animal kingdom as well).And then we pursue other interests in terms of our development, intellectually and emotionally, within the lines and boundaries 'we' draw for ourselves. Some how men have this "khush fahme" that if it was not for the villain(husband) she would be spending time with me. Sorry to burst your bubble. God has given us enough sense, even if we don't have a male member telling us what to do, as to where our priorities lie. 'Azaadi' to us does not mean we have to jump in a ditch just to prove a point or have several 'friends' from the opposite sex just because nobody is stopping us. I take this as an insult to my ability to decide.

With men on the other hand, it is a different story.

They have a wandering eye. They enjoy woman's company (the younger the better). This is again their nature which we see in other species as well. We have come to accept this and give them some margin as 'bay zarar'.

Thank God for women.

If it was not for us there would be no family life, no bonding and nurturing of children and no civil society. If we considered our 'intellectual growth' specially when it is through a friend from the opposite sex, more important to us than our husband and children, this world would have gone to dogs centuries ago.

Have friends, men and women. Share with them your similarities and enjoy their company ‘as a couple’. Go to places together and experience events together.

Now imagine this scenario.

“Hi Honey. I guess you are not home yet. Well you have 15 minutes to get home and get ready. We are meeting that couple we met on the week end and we'll have dinner at some place. See you soon. Love you.           Are we ok with that? I am.

 Find the 'person' in your mate and try to bring out the best in each other rather than the worst. Make him or her, your soul mate and I believe one soul mate is good enough for a life time. And if you cannot have this then: Be part of the other group 'UNATTACHED'. Sorry to say that we see people who are married but their hearts, their minds and their souls are detached from one another. Treatment is advised before full detachment.

Good luck.

Asma Etizaz